Talking Across Divides
I recently read an excellent blog about how popular thinking on trans issues may be creating a new binary in parenting, therapy, and society. It got me thinking that polarization is one of the biggest barriers in having thoughtful conversations about a myriad of topics that need careful attention today. It’s pretty tricky business these days to even have a conversation that doesn’t throw people into factions steeped in animosity. Relationships can quickly dissolve into arguments, whether you’re talking about racism, politics, the war in the Middle East, or trans rights.
Most of us are aware of the concept that social media is part of what creates this polarization: there are multiple places where a person can create a protected bubble–an echo chamber–where personal thoughts and beliefs can be reflected back to people with little or no challenge. These platforms are a little bit sidestepped from reality, and can induce the (false) sense that we are finding people who completely agree with us. Social discourse typified by good faith discussion, critical thinking, with a diversity of opinions seems rare and hard to find for most of us. Looking for and creating these kinds of places is key to building a world where a variety of human needs can be addressed and met.
One of my most cherished dreams is to be a part of a rising culture that works toward liberation for all: that ALL people would have access to adequate food, housing, and opportunities for meaningful work and intimate relationships. You know, all the things that contribute to a life worth living as opposed to a life that is being endured.
To this end, I study psychology. I study the effects of trauma and how to heal trauma. I study civilization collapse. I support explorations and adventures into Permaculture. I study the dharma, which I see as a training of the mind, wherein I aim to be fully present. I continually endeavor to stay in touch with my basic goodness and reflect the basic worthiness and goodness of others.
This is the platform from which I tackle the subject of trans rights and how it’s currently being held in the liberal culture in which I live in Eugene, Oregon. As I launch into this fraught territory I challenge you to remember that I believe all people are good: that you are inherently good even if we disagree, and that I believe all people (including trans folx) should have access to all the things that make life worth living. This is the truth of my being and is fundamentally what I am trying to achieve here. You could think of this blog as a thought experiment: I am tackling the subject of trans rights, a place where people often get polarized, as a practice ground for understanding how we can talk about things that normally cause communication to break down.
How can we have these conversations? We would benefit from thinking a little more broadly about a liberation strategy for all. Regardless of which side of the political aisle one is on, the way we’re going about gender in the present climate may not foster critical thinking, diversity of opinions, or good faith discussions.
In my therapy practice, I have had a number of trans clients. I have never once tried to “convert” them to a different way of thinking; the very idea strikes me as patently absurd. I have found that most trans people (like most clients of any identity) want to talk about their psychological processes and are not overly focused on their gender identification. Turns out trans people are people who are concerned about their well being and the well being of their family, friends and larger community: just like people who carry other identities and viewpoints.
In the political realm, trans activism has affected my role as a healer, a therapist, and a bodhisattva. In 2019, I feared that if I was out about my views about how patriarchy oppresses females on the basis of sex (not gender), somebody could decide that I wasn’t a strong enough advocate for marginalized populations, i.e.: trans people, and report me to the board that regulates social workers. Today I’m ready to say I think there needs to be more dialogue about these issues instead of a lockstep agreement to what is the right way to proceed, or what is the right way to signal that you’re not an oppressive jerk.
One of the challenges I navigate as a lesbian is the frequent use of the term “LGBTQ plus.” I have long felt somewhat mystified and even a little irritate d by the LGBTQ acronym. I came out in 1982, just after people started saying lesbian and gay. Previously, folks used gay as an umbrella term for anybody who wasn’t actively and exclusively heterosexual. This left out the bisexuals of course, and it also lumped lesbians and gay men into the same category, which many of us felt were two distinct demographics. Hence Gay Alliances across the nation turned into Lesbian and Gay Alliances, and then LGB, followed by LGBT, and later LGBTQ. Nowadays you can find LGBTQIA2S+, although many alliances just call themselves Pride.
This string of letters lumps a whole bunch of people into one umbrella term that basically says: “we’re different from the norm,” but each of these categories is quite distinct. When transgender got added to LGB, things took a turn towards increased confusion because sexuality and gender are actually two very different aspects of identity.
I have the great privilege of working closely with an educational farm program. In the last year a significant percentage of our farm students have been natal females who are trans-masculine. I am delighted and excited that we find ways to talk about these issues: the historical context, the contemporary situation, our personal experiences, and differences of opinion, in an atmosphere of good faith dialogue. I find these conversations refreshing, enlivening, and a platform to broaden all our thinking. We also spend a lot of time observing and interacting with the world around us without the need to constantly focus on identity or politics (which is also refreshing).
It’s a legitimate stance that many people still root their lives in the material world and in the verifiable results of science; that doesn’t automatically make them bigots. It’s also understandable that some people view gender expression as more important than biological sex; this is correct in many contexts. I believe our shared humanity is usually more important than either our biological sex or our gender presentation. It’s time to stop fracturing into ideological tribes and reach across divides to try to understand each other a little more.
I’ll start by sharing some of my own beliefs that I have been afraid to articulate publicly. I had a conversation with someone who told me that my belief that sex matters (and is binary) is a white supremacist viewpoint. This person stated that the only way to not be white supremacist was to ditch the whole concept of sex as a binary. I disagree.
Sex still matters even though human beings can step out of a binary in terms of gender. I live half time on a farm. Hens lay eggs and roosters don’t. Ewes and nanny goats give birth and produce milk, and when they have male offspring (who can’t give birth or lactate), we generally sell them or raise them up to slaughter for meat. I know human beings are not farm animals, but we are animals.
My material experience with reproduction, both my own and that on the farm, informs me that sex matters and is essentially binary. I have seen no convincing arguments to the contrary (and I have actively sought out dissenting views to see what I may be missing). Females and males have different roles in reproduction–and this impacts the lived experience of the vast majority of humans. I am concerned that removing reproduction as the essential definition of sex has led, among other things, to lifelong sterility for individuals who don’t fit into gender stereotypes–ending their genetic lineages in the service of, ironically, accepting people who are different.
This is not a popular opinion in the context of trans rights. On the other hand, people who agree with me on the importance of sex, also often dismiss the importance of gender variation. I can’t agree on this point either.
I understand that many people who identify as trans are not interested in having children, but loss of reproduction is not the only result of cross sex hormones and surgery: lack of ability to orgasm, changes in vocal chords, incontinence, bone loss and other problems can occur from medically transitioning. Sometimes people feel they have not fully understood the implications of the interventions and are left with life long results that can range affect a person’s quality of life.
It is vitally important that we have variation in self expression: who we want to be romantically and sexually connected to, our spiritual beliefs, where we want to focus our energy, how we want to appear to others, and so on. Accepting differences and learning from others is part of what makes us a community of humans. Tying self-expression to biological sex often doesn’t make sense. That said, gametes are gametes; personality is personality; and gender is more closely related to personality than to biological sex.
I believe that male to female, and female to male, albeit very outdated terms, are misnomers. A person can change their gender, but their natal sex cannot change. Someone who carries the large gametes cannot be made into someone who produces sperm, and someone who carries the small gametes cannot be made into someone who produces eggs. If you think I’m trying to say that people can’t be trans, can’t be non-binary, or can’t choose a different presentation from their natal sex, I want to reiterate that this is not what I’m saying. I’m saying that the conversation is complex, is routinely and consistently being shut down, and deserves a lot more airtime than “#nodebate” affords us.
Many individuals benefit from safe spaces to discuss what gender and sex mean to them, and to consider the nuanced impacts of life-altering cross sex hormones or surgery, including unwanted medical side effects and cost benefit analyses. If we can’t talk about it, if we can’t listen to each other unless we already agree, then we can’t learn from each other.
When we respectfully listen, we may find that we agree on some points and disagree on others. Those points of alignment or misalignment do not necessarily indicate all-or-nothing belonging (or not belonging). As human beings we have the potential to connect with and belong to each other, regardless of our beliefs (beliefs which, unlike our lifelong humanness, may be fleeting).
I am interested in finding more people who are willing to think outside the current progressive liberal ideology, whether that is in my personal life, or among my clientele. I’m clearly not the right therapist for everybody. If you’re interested in the current liberal viewpoint on trans rights, or someone who staunchly supports gender affirming care, you can easily find a therapist like that. If you’re interested in a more nuanced conversation, I could be the right therapist for you.
I wish us all the best of luck on this journey as we all, each of us, are striving for self-actualization, more regulation, more connection with other human beings that we love, more peace, and maybe even more happiness.
Blog on non binary: https://darnitalltoheck.substack.com/p/the-binary-thinking-of-the-trans?r=3h3aj&utm_campai.=&triedRedirect=true